moving forward

Day 10 Post Op by Nate Geballe

Today is the second day of my new meal plan phase. I can't even begin to describe how good that tomato soup was yesterday. Probably the best thing I've had in my entire life. I guess when you haven't eaten anything remotely solid for over two weeks, anything seems good. I'm feeling a lot better than I was this time last week. Time heals as they say. And last night was nice, lot's of laughing and a good mood. 

I'm GOING to shoot tonight. I'll have help which should be motivating. It's just so intimidating when I'm all by myself and not 100% normal. But today is the first day that I've felt really good and able to move around well. 

Today I FEEL pretty damn good. 

Day 5 Post Op by Nate Geballe

Yesterday was really difficult. I never imagined I would feel that shitty. Every time I thought about a protein shake I wanted to throw up. I managed to get two down which is 60 grams of protein. That is 15 grams less than the minimum I need daily. I'm so scared of malnutrition. I DON'T want to lose my hair!

I didn't shoot yesterday. I didn't have the strength to set it all up. I was too tired. I take walks during the day but they only last about five minutes before I think I'm getting too tired. I will shoot today. I have help today. Today I will be ok. 

Today I FEEL better than yesterday. Thank gawd. 

Day 7 by Nate Geballe

Today is day 7? Huh??? Can you imagine that? I'm starting to be convinced that for those that this is easy, this route is not for you. I'm just trying to distract myself as much as possible. Being awake is not worth it sometimes. Can I please just sleep for the next month? K thanks!

My energy to shoot has been low. I keep thinking that I've run out of ideas. Whenever I've been in this sort of situation before, I just start shooting something and it usually grows from there. I sure hope that's the case. I know how important it is for me to keep moving forward. KEEP SHOOTING PLEASE! This is a time when Dori would be helpful in her mantra of "Just keep swimming."

The pressure that surrounds me at the moment feels intolerable. I'm intolerant to this damn feeling of being hungry. And the thoughts in my head that rationalize food behavior are getting louder. I CANNOT AFFORD TO LISTEN! SAM, YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO LISTEN! The biggest times that I have trouble are when I'm driving and home alone. Driving is a time that I developed so many unacceptable behaviors around food. It would be all too easy to say to myself, I never had it a last time. Why not have a final go at it again? Never works out the way I imagine. The guilt is crazy but my mouth waters still. I can't tell you how many times my mouth watered last night at dinner. Pretty ridiculous... I wish I wasn't so hungry. 

Things will get better. Tough times are not without good ones. Time has shown this before in my life. Anyways, today I FEEL discouraged.