anxious

IDK by Nate Geballe

I feel like I'm not doing enough. I also feel really frustrated with shooting. Yeah, I guess it all goes back to the thought that I'm just not doing enough. It's like I have cat hair all over me and don't know how to get it off. It's always there. Well, I guess I usually always am covered in cat hair. Oh well. 

I feel this unspoken pressure all around me. I have a lot of anxiety regarding that. It really doesn't feel good to feel like I'm drowning. Drowning is a big fear of mine. It just seems so shitty to drown. It sounds extremely painful. I guess I just have a lot of fears at the moment. 

Today I FEEL anxious. 

Home again by Nate Geballe

I got back to Los Angeles yesterday. The drive wasn't that bad. It actually went by really quickly. But I made a very poor decision before I left home. I didn't pack anything food wise for the road. I stopped at a gas station about 1.5 hours from L.A. and grabbed a banana. It was only thing that I found that I can really eat at this stage. IT TASTED SO GOOD! Probably the best banana that I've had in forever. I hope to not make that mistake again. It's not pleasant to drive that long running on empty. 

I shot once while I was at home. Down at the barn. I tried to get in the creek but I didn't want to get scratched up and possibly poison oak. I also didn't want to not be able to get back up and not have help. Maybe I will do it when I'm town next for Grandpa's birthday. The photos came out pretty interesting. It surprises me when I get a good photo out of something that I thought was a waste of time. 

I bought underwater housing too. Equinox, for my Mark III. Maybe that will be the designated underwater cam. I want to shoot in the pool the next time I head up North. It will be freezing but I seem to get pretty cool images while in the water. I can always call ahead of time and ask that they turn on the pool. 

I'm getting really impatient. I want so many things to happen that are happening quickly but so seemingly slow at the same time. I'm scared of my weight. Weighing less is weighing on me. Losing weight is weighing on me. I guess I'm just scared, anxious and nervous for this next year. Seems like it might be a big one. 

Today I FEEL anxious/motivated. 

Day 18 Post Op by Nate Geballe

It's ALMOST CHRISTMAS! I'm going home for the holiday on Tuesday. I'm not looking forward to the drive but am excited to see my family. I haven't been able to exercise much because my back went out over the weekend. Today I will try to walk around the block and see how far I get. 

I shot a bit last night. It went in a really interesting direction. I feel like everything that I've done lately has motion included. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm in some sort of whirlwind. None of it feels real and I constantly forget that surgery actually happened. Maybe that will change over time. 

Today I FEEL anxious.